Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned Self-Importance

Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned Self-Importance

Special Issue:
The Death
of Heroism?

Vol. 2 No. 5
May 1 - May 31, 2008
 Iowa City, IA
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cinemalgamation

I Am Legends of the Fall
If you're frustrated by Hollywood's tendency to recycle the same old thing, you ain't seen nothin' yet...

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"Cinemalgamation"]
Six-Step Guides for the Extremely Hip
By Mixtape Master Pete
Martha is great.  We’ve moved through many of the preliminary steps in every relationship, drinking coffee together, watching TV together, looking at dental plan brochures together. But nothing prepared me to meet her family. Luckily Martha’s mom is divorced; it’s just Martha, her mom, and what I thought was Martha’s older brother.  Martha’s mother loves me, of course.  I’m great in the kitchen and was even able to darn some of her socks. Thaddeus, Martha’s brother, is only thirteen but grows a better beard than I do.  I’ve been able to effetely avoid Thaddeus until the other night when he walked in on Martha and I watching reruns of “Project Runway”.  He wanted to watch a National Basketball Association tournament match.  It seems that basketball is sort-of his thing. Martha told me to bond with Thaddeus over basketball—but I don’t know anything about the game.  Here’s how you can fake understanding basketball to impress others....

Headlines 

As Primary Season Presses on, Demand for Images of Hillary and Obama Engaged in Cartoon Fisticuffs Increases by 400 Percent

Experts Say Majority of Airline Woes Caused by Talkative Proctologist on Plane Next to You 

Dyson Vaccuum Cleaner Named the Fastest, Least Sexy Way to Spend Your $600 Tax Refund

Battle of the Presidential Legacies-- "End of the Bush Administration" Countdown Paraphernalia Now More Popular than the "I Recently Slept with Bill Clinton" Honorary Syphilis Test

Gas Prices Soar; Sen. McCain Switches to Vehicle Powered by Inflammatory War Rhetoric 

sholom

Woods Fans: Take a Mulligan!

Don't Choose Your Battles
By S.R. Lavin a.k.a. Sholom
A TV sports commentator recently declared that Tiger Woods was “arguably the greatest athlete” of all time, surpassing Mohammed Ali, Michael Jordan, and Mark Spitz as the most famous, winning-est, richest, and best performing super sports star all rolled into one. Come on! What gives anyone to believe that a golfer (yawn) could ever hold such a revered place in the echelons of sports history? My idea of a super-star athlete is Billie Jean King…now there’s an athlete with guts, acumen, panache, and cahones. Unfortunately, she is still a woman and therefore not qualified to be “the greatest of all time.”

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"Don't Choose Your Battles"]

 Excursions
Good Idea: Maybe I'm crazy, but I have this strange urge to hire Vice President Dick Cheney as a baby sitter. Something about his face just says "take a chance on a long shot." 

Bad Idea: If someone you know often exhibits exaggerated emotionalism or inappropriate theatricalism, referring to that person as "Odrama bin Laden" probably isn't cool.

Random Thought: I have several puns in my pocket related to "Odrama bin laden," but I'm worried that some people might find them offensive or insensitive. So let's just say I included the jokes, you laughed, then got offended and finally, I apologized. Wow, I just saved myself a full work day.
Stink Tank
By Angela McDermott
The new CNN slogan … got meth?

I think it would be cheaper to have my car towed to work as opposed to buying gas!

So my choices are a black man or a white woman?

Explain to me one more time how your God is better than my God?

I think we should attack Switzerland… neutral my ass!

Ass, gas or grass… no one rides for free!

Have you ever tried to pet a porcupine?

I for one think Amy Winehouse should have children … and a lot of them!

I can hardly wait to read the life memoirs of teenage sensation Miley Cyrus!

Do not mind me … I am an American … just stockpiling food because having enough to eat is not enough … I want it all so others cannot eat at all.

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Dresser Drawer
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Copyright 2007. All content on this site is original to Bosworth Magazine unless otherwise indicated. All rights reserved. Site designed by Matt Lavin. Thanks to Robin Stephen for web design consultation, and for drawing much of the artwork seen on the site.


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Mini History of Bosworth

August 22, 1485: Yorkist King Richard III of England meets the Lancastrian royal contender Henry Tudor at Bosworth Field. 

January 2, 1983: Actress Kate Bosworth is born in Los Angeles. Less than 25 years later, she portrays Lois Lane in Superman Returns.

Fall 1987: Brian Bosworth, linebacker for the Oklahoma Sooners, debuts with the Seattle Seahawks, leading the team in several defensive categories.

February 2007: Matt Lavin, of Iowa City, types notes for Bosworth: an Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned Self-Importance. 

April 1, 2007: The Bosworth system goes online. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Bosworth begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14am Eastern time, April 25. In a panic, humans try to pull the plug ... and Bosworth fights back.

Bosworth Magazine's Wall of Rejected Slogans:

1. Bosworth: It’s Like the “Prairie Home Companion” … for Perverts!

2. Bosworth Magazine: Where Humans and Cartoons Write Side by Side, Forming Twisted Human/Cartoon Hybrids. (We Call Them Mantoons.)

3. Bosworth Magazine: Forcing Monkeys to Reproduce the Works of Shakespeare on Typewriters Since Summer 2007.

4. Bosworth: Humorous Thoughts for the Seriously Deranged.

5. Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine with Dozens of Places to Hide Your Weed.

6. Bosworth Magazine: We Probably Shouldn’t Have Hired the DC Madame as Our Proofreader.

7. Bosworth Magazine: Sexaholics Welcome.

8. Bosworth: A Humor Zine of Epic Proportions. Can We Call it a Zine? The Word Zine Sounds Cool.

9. Bosworth Magazine: Dedicated to Eroding the Storied Bosworth Family Reputation, One Zach Braff/ Coldplay Joke at a Time.

10. Bosworth: Proving to the World that Oversized “Muppet Show” Posters Do Belong in the Workplace.

11. Bosworth Magazine: It’s Possible, Although Unlikely, That Our Entire Staff Has Rabies

12. Bosworth: We’re Not Some Pretentious Humor Magazine Determined to Illustrate Our Sense of Intellectual Superiority by Constantly Referring to Highbrow Literature without Explaining Ourselves, Expecting the Reader to Notice. (riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.)

13. Bosworth Magazine: Dudesticking Our Way to Internet Hilarity.

14. Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine that Routinely Catches its Staff Members in Compromising Positions in the Boiler Room.

15. Bosworth Magazine: Because the name “Thunder Cats” Was Taken.

16.  Bosworth: The Nation’s Leading Sexual and Reproductive Health Care Advocate and Provider.

17. Bosworth: A Timeless Classic Since Five Minutes Ago.

18. Bosworth Magazine: Brain Soup for the Zombie's Soul.